Lovely Day In the SFC to Wear Just About "Nada"

Here in San Francisco we don't get great weather until I'd say like August,but it appears the tooth fairy came early this year, you know during the time its actually supposed to, umm....Spring. And of course that is when the ladies wear very little clothing but then regret it around 4pm when those infamous San Francisco clouds start rolling in. I always wonder why they(alright I) do that, wear cute outfits on those nice sunny days. Yes I do like to dress really girlie so that is a valid reason but thats just surface, underneath is the real reason which is, I hope that some handsome fellow will spot me and strike up a conversation, and most of time,it happens. Now why yes it does happen,what also happens is that they just "happen" to have girlfriends, coincidence,sure!!

You see this is one of my many issues with being Nubian in the City and wanting to meet a nice chocolate man they all have girlfriends and why wouldn't they? Those same girlfriends were once me, and knew how difficult it was to find one in San Francisco, so they decided to strike why the iron was hot!! And 3yrs down the line, they got the chocolate man, who flirts with other women and occasionally may hook up with one or two of them. But, believe you, me, those formerly "Nubian in the City" single women, will overlook it. Let me say this,im not saying this happens all the time and to clarify: ALL BLACK MEN DO NOT CHEAT NOR DO ALL BLACK WOMEN STAY WITH THESE BLACK MEN BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF BEING ALONE,but I'm not saying it doesn't happen because I've seen it first hand.

I wrote this blog because today while I was looking very cute, a few gentlemen both chocolate and non-chocolate shot me a smile and a hello and tried to start a dollar and fifteen cents conversation. I digress,the one chocolate man that tried to speak was handsome,neatly dressed and well spoken,but I of course knowing the likelihood of him actually been available was pretty slim,so after we finished our brief conversation, where he asked if I could use a friend(in my head I'm thinking, no I have a enough friends I don't need more of those,yes I realise its not the best way to approach a situation) and if he could get my number or the other way around, my answer of course was thank you I'm good. I want you all to know that it wasn't like I was just blowing him off,I had an odd feeling that giving him my number wasn't the best idea. Brief conversation over, I see if I am in correct in my theory of most of the chocolate men being taken. I couldn't resist but to watch him walk away and to where he was walking. And folks, Ladies and Gents sure enough, he walked to a woman walking out of Starbucks and give her a nice little kiss on the lips!! Yep indeed it was quite the lovely day in SFC to Wear Just About "Nada"!

Thanks dears and Come again
"That Black Girl"

To Weave or Not To Weave, that is the question.

Now you all knew this topic was coming,especially if we are facebook friends. The age old black woman debate, is wearing a weavE just a way for us to be more "white"? Now I, speaking as a woman that has wore some form of weave half of her life, can honestly say I don't know if me wearing weave was about me trying to be more white as much as it was about me trying to live up to the American standards of beautiful.

We all know that if you have the long straight hair, you are more likely to get the door opened for you, offered a helping hand and you know where I'm going with this I'm sure...SMDH! Now I can not tell a lie, I loved swinging my weave around and flipping it and looking like a fly chick( I am most def a fly chick),it just felt so girlie, it made me feel "pretty", and in that comment lies the issue with the TO Weave Or Not TO Weave? I mean dang I can't be cute without weave is that what everything and everyone in the world is telling us(me)? Moving on....

So I have recently decided to no longer wear weaves. I'm not sure how permanent it will be because, I'm not one to lie...I like the wind blowing through my weave!! I do however like the fact that I can scratch(or pat) my hair without a bobbypin, or a sharp objective. I get tired of going out with guys specifically chocolate men, looking at my hair wondering if they should ask the question they eventually do,"Is that all you?" What the hell do you think if you had to ask? Granted weaves are done very well these days and the average person would not be able to spot one. However chocolate men are getting better at spotting them and black women, well we can spot one miles away!! We can't just spot them, we can tell you what type of weave it is: front lace wig(its a wig that can be made to look like your own because of the lace in the front is the color of your scalp), sew-in(those are the one we get done at our girl's house because we aren't trying to spend a whole bunch a money on something our girl can do at her apartment),glued in tracks(tragically this is done far too often in high school before you have friends skilled enough to do the sew-ins) and you got the full crown weaves(now those are the ones that most of those women in that film "Good Hair" had,now us regular nubians don't have it like that yet,so we can't afford it especially with that good Indian Hair). Yes ya'll there are several types of weaves!!

I'll say this, I love the fact that black women stopped hating on females that wear weaves. I remember back in the day when the ponytail(before the drawstring ones,if you all are in your late twenties or early thirties, you know what I'm talking about. The long track of hair that you had to bobbypin around the little thumb of hair on the top of your head.) first started getting rocked people were ok with it, but if you had tracks in your head, everyone always had something to say or gave you a look. I remember when people would ask me about my little side-swiped bang and if it was mine and my response was, you all know..."I bought it so yeah its mine" with a head roll.

The point being of this whole blog entry is this, we don't need to wear weave to make us beautiful no!! But I'll be damned if it doesn't get me a few drinks at old "Otis Lounge" or "Harlem Bar" from some fine looking chocolate brothers. Yes long hair goes a long way in America and not just in America in modern day society. I don't have to ask the question of where did black women get the idea that longer and straighter is better,because we already know that,but instead(though I know the answer,its always good to ask) I'll ask the question who told you,you weren't FLY without the weave?!! Because they are on some other ish..that we don't need to concern ourselves with.

So to answer the question, To Weave or Not To Weave? Well as I've stated before,I decided not to wear weave anymore, or atleast for now. I like the feeling of my hair, my scalp, I like that the wind messes it up, I love that I need to put bobbypins in it to keep in place,I love that I need to us some Jam gel to hold it down and give it some shine!! I suppose I just love the freedom I feel.No, I haven't gone natural, though I think its a very cute look,I could rock it but I'm going to be honest with myself I can't do it right now. I'm just coming off a 6year weave addiction, going natural would be like going cold turkey,I'm strong but I'm not that strong at least not yet!! And yes I did get a perm as well, my first in 6year and hopefully my last,and that's not even from a vanity point of view, that movie "Good Hair" scared the hell out of me,when that lye burnt a hole through that chicken,I decided I would do it one last time after having my hair in weaves for 6-8years.

I'm not trying to say that women who wear weaves don't have self-confidence because that is the farthest thing from the truth,because believe me I know some black sistahs!! And they can rock a mean weave,like its fashion week!!! And truth be told I loved weaves,however bad they may have been for my hair,they are so easy to maintain, wrap it, flat iron it and roll. My choice to no longer wear weaves had nothing to do with what others thought of me, it was about what I thought of myself. I can't say this is true for all black women that wear weaves,but for me,though they were cute to wear, I also wore them because I didn't feel pretty without them. I depended so much on "hair" to make feel like I was enough for others,or I felt if I didn't have the hair,what else could some chocolate man or anyone for that matter really think of me. Yes I'm cute, I have no shame in saying I am,but what else on the surface did I have to draw attention to me? Yes I'm smart and I can probably talk circles around many people,but no one would know that if they didn't like the surface me.

My decision to let go of the weave came with the revelation(one I had to come to by myself but also with the help of the amazing people I have in my life) that the surface me wasn't all I had to offer. I looked at myself long and hard with my front-lace wig on and said to myself when did I starting believing that "hair" was more than me? When did I starting believe what everyone had been saying,not in so many words but in their actions,that I couldn't be beautiful without long hair? And the final revelation: I was tired of breaking out from all that damn hair on my face,I got sensitive skin..smh...I'M TOO FLY TO BE HAVING MY FACE BREAKING OUT FROM SOMEONE ELSE HAIR!!!

Thanks Dears & Please Come Again
"That Black Girl"

Isn't that kind of Racist?

“Isn’t that kind of Racist?” Feb.11th,2010

I was on the bus today reading this book I'm currently enthralled in titled, Don't Play in the Sun: One Woman's Journey Through the Color Complex by Marita Golden. This woman saw the book and asked what it was about and I explained to her it was about the issue of skin-tone amongst black women. She then continued to ask me questions about why I'm reading it, about myself and what I do. I told her I work mainly with young black girls instilling in them a sense of self-love and an awareness of their worth and that my ultimate goal is to uplift black women. And then she looks at me somewhat shocked but understanding and says," Why are you only concerned about self-love and the well-being of black women, and not all women, isn't that kind of racist?" The bus had just arrived at my stop, when she asked the question, so I had to get off the bus before I could respond. As I walked to Trader Joe's, I thought about her question, and I could see where she was coming from, why she and other women would probably think the same thing.

Then I begin to feel a little bit on the defensive, I felt my shoulders tense and thought to myself, who is this white woman(being that we are in San Francisco, she could of been any ethnicity, I just know she wasn't black) to tell me I'm being racist, with her long stringy hair!!! And then it hit me(mainly because I'm reading a book about self-love and colorism amongst black people, especially women),aside from being a black woman, that anger right there, is why I focus on black women, specifically young black women. Immediately, I attacked her in my mind because she was WHITE she had LONG and STRINGY hair. Does it really come down to image when it is in regard to self-love of black women? No, of course not, but everything else in the world tells us differently.

Am I concerned about all women, of course I am. But why do I need to focus on uplifting you and telling you, that you are beautiful when everything in this society does it everyday?!! I don't mean to bunch all non-black women together, but in this case I'm going to have to, because for the most part they all have LONG STRINGY hair. Don't get me wrong, all women have their own set of problems, whether it be poverty, abuse, drugs, children, or self-love issues and I empathize with them, but my concern is with black women, especially young black women.

I was fortunate enough to have a family that always told me I was pretty, cute or beautiful, even at my worst. Had it not been for my family, however divided we may have been, I would have been one of those girls that was going from man to man needing him to tell me I was beautiful. I would have been one of those girls that fought everyday because I didn't know another way to deal with the internal ugliness I felt. I would have stayed the girl I was in high school until 12th grade that walked around trying not to make eye contact with anyone. It wasn't because I didn't feel pretty, or I didn't have friends, because I was involved in a lot stuff in high school and I had friends. It was because I didn't feel black enough, therefore I didn't feel good enough for anything!! This is why I focus black women.



I can't even count how many times throughout my life someone has called me "White-washed" or what’s worst, how many times I've said it to myself and used it as justification for how I've acted in some situations. This is why I focus on black women, because we have gotten so used to people putting us down, we do it to ourselves, without even thinking sometimes. I'll be the first to admit that growing up I had very few close black girlfriends(especially in high school, which is where the most damage occurs to a person's sense of self), and I used to tell myself it was because they were too "ghetto" or they thought I wasn't black enough(which in many cases that was the reason).But really deep down inside, I didn't want to be around them because then I was like them, and the world wouldn't approve and besides I wasn't "Black enough" so what did it matter? This is why I focus on black women. Society has taught us to hate ourselves and our sisters, and when I say sisters I mean every shade of black women, from the lightest to the darkest. There aren't billboards, television ads, or music videos that tell us everyday that we are beautiful, because WE ARE BEAUTIFUL!! This is why I focus on black women.

I do it for the dark-skin girl that thinks she isn't good enough because all the dark-skin men are with light-skin women. I do it for the light-skin girl that thinks she is only good enough to be arm candy. I do it for the black women that say they don't date black men and for the black women that only date black men, because you are GOOD ENOUGH for anyone!! I do it for the black women whose mothers never told them they were beautiful, because nobody ever told their mothers they were beautiful. I do it for the girl that is told she is not black enough and believes it, I do it for the black girl that is told she it is too "ghetto" and believes it, because you are just as GOD made you, whether it'd be loud or quiet. I do it for myself, because I can't say I love myself, if I don't love my sister that is me. Whether she is "ghetto" or"white-washed", light-skin or dark-skin, we share the same history, pain and resilience of the black woman.

As I write this I think of two verses from two different songs. The first song is by an artist named Rebakah, that wrote a song titled Little Black Girl in the verse she says "Little black girl this a song for you, in case the world is busy and forget to sing to you , they've more important ships to sail like building malls and saving whales, so they don't see that you are the real endangered species." And the other is the hook from one of Talib Kweli's most underrated tracks titled Black Girl Pain "My mama said life would be so hard, growin up days as a black girl scarred, In so many ways though we've come so far, they just know the name they don't know the pain, So please hold your heads up high, don't be ashamed of yourself know I, will carry it forth til the day I die." So to answer her question "Isn't that kind of racist?" Nah, It’s for the love of my beautiful black sistas!

Learning to Fly Again

At this very moment I'm sitting at the kitchen table, in my mother's kitchen,listening to "The Rain Doesn't Last Forever" by Hope,thinking to myself,oh good God what have I gotten myself into. When I made the decision to move back home, there were so many factors involved,one being a guy and that was my mistake, and something I will learn from. In all honestly, I knew months ago that inevitably I'd be right back here at least for six months. I could have stayed in San Francisco and kept my busy social calendar and continued to network and make connections but what good would it have been, if I could never get myself out debt? I could have continued to ignore the bill collectors but where would that have gotten me,but deeper inthe hole I dug for myself,trying to keep up with "the Karshadians". I stayed in SF because my pride wouldn't let me come home and admit that I had messed up,because I was hard-headed and choose not to listen to the advice people gave me when I was in my early twenties.

Understand that at one point I was making very good money but choose not to save it as I should have. Now,Dionne Farris's "Hopeless" plays in the background and two particular verses blares in mind:

"Hello Yesterday, I sure need you now
Goodbye Yesterday, I just can't stay around
You see I cried just a little too long
And now it's time for me to be strong

Hello Yesterday, Remember how it used to be?
Goodbye Yesterday yea, I can't take you with me - no, no, no, I can't
You see I stayed just a little too long
And now it's time for me to move on"

Those are the words of a person that regrets their past decisions but has learned from them. They have made the choice to move on from their mistakes and be strong and take what they learned and apply those lessons to future choices. I can't say that I regret the amazing 11yrs I spent in SF or even the 2months wasted on a guy, that I thought was worth more than he turned out to be. I don't regret them at all, do I wish I hadn't been so hard-headed earlier on and listened to the advice I got from others?Yes. And of course I wish I had gone with my first instincts about this guy, at least I would have had another whole month I could have spent in San Francisco.

In the end, as I sit here writing this post, I think about the kind of person I used to be and the person I am now and I couldn't ask,nor would I want to be, anyone else than the person I am right now at this very moment. I wouldn't want to have been anywhere else than the places I've been. I can't take back the mistakes I made due to my hard-headness....lol. But what I can do is live up to the woman I am today and admit my past mistakes and fix what I can, to make sure my future isn't full of those same mistakes. And I am doing that right now. I hate being back home,in living in my parents home,not because I don't love them,but because I feel as though I've been stripped of my independence, something I worked hard to establish for 11yrs. But what I love even more than I hate having to coming home, is that I was able to put my pride aside and take the steps I needed to create a better life for myself. The reason I love that more than anything, is because It tells me that I'm finally comfortable enough in the woman that I am to understand that sometimes you have to step back to move forward and I have complete faith in myself and in God's Plan for me that I WILL BE JUST FINE!! As I conclude this post, Fantasia's "Even Angels" plays in the background,":

"First step
take a deep breath
you don't need a reason why
you can
you can
take take time
you can
you can
walk, run, dive
Close call
think you might fall
but all you gotta do is try
even angels
even angels
learn to fly "

Thanks Love,come again!
Sincerely,
THAT BLACK GIRL

Let Frogs be Frogs and Princes be A**holes!! And Go Out and find yourself!!

"Instead of making a list for an ideal man, make a list of what you feel
the ideal woman should be and make sure you fit the profile before
critiquing someone else. Never... require what you can’t give in return."-Clutch Magazine Online. I know its been awhile since I've written but this quote really struck a cord with me. Most of us,women, have grown up with the Disney movies and the "Chick Flicks" that tell us that our prince charming is out there and that we may need to kiss a few frogs or possibly find a frog and he'll turn into a prince after a few of our kisses. OH COME ON!!! GET WITH IT!! Ladies maybe the guy is ok with just being a frog and he doesn't want some,self proclaimed(by herself and her daddy) Princess try to turn him into her Prince. Not only that but its quite a daunting task for a princess,I'm just saying. And it would seem to me that hoping to turn a frog into a prince is quite similar to settling, and haven't they always told us NOT TO SETTLE?!!

Now lets talk about these so-called "Princes". First of all, if you go out looking for a Prince believe me you won't find him!! Yes gurl I know!! I've found these so-called "princes" and yeah brothas were fine!!! They were smart, had the finances, the job, the degrees, they got it all. One problem, these men know they got all that!! They also know that us women are looking for that Prince Charming so don't get it twisted,if you think you are getting played by this "Prince" umm...girl...YOU ARE!! And lets keep it 100, these so-called "Princes" they aren't going to regret it when you are gone. You know why because, they know there is another "you",by that I mean self-proclaimed princess looking for her prince, out there.

I'm not giving anyone relationship advice because I'm the last one to give that, I'm awful at committed relationships,hell I'm kind of bad at uncommitted relationships. But I'm bad at those by choice. But over the years the relationship that has approved the most is the one I have with myself. And as that relationship approved I noticed the other relationships approved as well.I was fortunate enough to meet a very nice young man a few years ago,but unfortunately the relationship I had with myself wasn't very good so I only saw him in terms of "Prince or Frog". He is no Frog nor is he a Prince,but he is just fine being exactly who he is, a nice young man.

I suggest we all let go(or at least try) of this idea of the Prince and The Frog. Despite what pop culture and Disney would like us to think, frogs are AMPHIBIANS and if you kiss them you risk getting a pretty nasty rash and princes either wear ALOT OF PURPLE or exist in countries that are NOT AMERICA!!

Honestly not Honest in an Ideal World

So Honestly I can say that I only want to be with sexy chocolate men, But to be honest,it's impossible!!! Ideally yes, I'd like to marry a beautiful chocolate man,but life is far from ideal,which is why life is so much fun!!! Honestly I love everything about black men,their swagger,voice,skin,lips,everything. But to be honest I really do love all men, hints why I've dated just about every race, I mean why not? It's fun,I have fun and learn more about this non-ideal world. I once dated this guy,gorgeous,Viking type tall,redish brown hair,rode a motorcycle,so hot!! We dated for about 3 months,however he had liked me for a two years. Before we started dated,he said to me "you are still searching." I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't really know what he wasn't talking about until maybe a month ago. You see I've been in this "only dating black men" phase. Now anyone who knows me,knows that, for me to do that would be damn near impossible. The more I think about it,the more I realize how closed-minded I've been and become. I love black people, I love being black, I honestly do and to be honest, think black is the most beautiful color skin on the face of this earth,but I also think that LOVE is the best feeling on the face of this earth.

Lets be real, life is way too short to have all these restrictions. Honestly I've found that my life was much more fun and exciting when I had less restrictions. But to be honest, I got myself into quite a few pickles with less restrictions. What i've learned recently though, is this, I can be controlled without having restrictions, as long as I understand that really ultimately I'm not in control. Honestly to be honest, I rather not be in so much control of my life,because that takes too much fun out of it. This particular posting was sparked by a very handsome viking type guy I met the other night and hopefully will meet again.

I know that I'm always complaining about not being able to find a beautiful chocolate man in the city of San Francisco. Though it's true a beautiful chocolate man is hard to come by in the city of San Francisco,but it by no means, means that a good guy is hard to come by in the city of San Francisco.


So though, ideally, I'd like to marry a nicely built chocolate man and have beautiful chocolate babies. I've come to the conclusion nothing in life is ideal.Because no one person is the exact idea of what they'd like to be in this life. And Lets face it folks,there is nothing "ideal" about this nubian in the city.

Thanks Dears and Do come again
That Black Girl!

To All the guys before ME!!!

Dear Guys Chocolate and Non-Chocolate,

I'd like to thank you all for the fun times and the crappy times. Some of you were FANTASTIC kissers some of you, just AWFUL!!! A lot of you were really smart but a select few of you were extremely special ed!! 70% of you dated me for some materialistic reason but thats ok because 80% of you I dated for the same.Many of you have girlfriends,but some of you do not(please refer to last sentence). Not all of you were funny,but a couple of you were hilarious. I don't keep in touch with most of you but,some of you I'm lucky to still have around. A few of you got very lucky and the rest I'm sorry you just didn't have the golden ticket. One of you may have been gay or borderline,but that's alright you were one of my favorites. Now two of you, ok three of you, I would probably still do just about anything for,even though two of you didn't get lucky,it by no means meant you didn't have the golden ticket. Those three of you taught me how to love for the good and the bad,through the hair weaves and perms. Two of you loved me, even with the 5 extra pounds and non-predicured toes. One of the three of you was learning to love along with me and that is probably why you will always be the one I tend to take back,time in and time out. But regardless the three of you will never be replaced!!

Most of you were very fit and only one of you couldn't fit through my door(not in the literal sense). A few of you were religious but most of you were spiritual. One of you I loved to fight with because I rarely won,and I loved challenges, but hated because sometimes I think you just let me win just so I would shut up!! A handful of you, actually got close to knowing who I was,but I've never been the one to be all that I appear to be. I say one thing, and a few of you figured it out, I mean something else entirely. Some of you understood my love for politics, and some of you didn't care much for those politics or my thoughts on them.

All of you were cute, in your own special way. All of you will never be forgotten even if I forgot your last name. All of you were lucky to have met me when you did. All of you got a different nubian,because I was never the same girl with each one of you. But luckily because of all you, I was able to find ME,not necessarily in each of you but each of you brought out something different in Me,so like I said at the beginning, I'd like to thank ALL THE GUYS BEFORE ME!!

Sincerely,
"That Black Girl"