Learning to Fly Again

At this very moment I'm sitting at the kitchen table, in my mother's kitchen,listening to "The Rain Doesn't Last Forever" by Hope,thinking to myself,oh good God what have I gotten myself into. When I made the decision to move back home, there were so many factors involved,one being a guy and that was my mistake, and something I will learn from. In all honestly, I knew months ago that inevitably I'd be right back here at least for six months. I could have stayed in San Francisco and kept my busy social calendar and continued to network and make connections but what good would it have been, if I could never get myself out debt? I could have continued to ignore the bill collectors but where would that have gotten me,but deeper inthe hole I dug for myself,trying to keep up with "the Karshadians". I stayed in SF because my pride wouldn't let me come home and admit that I had messed up,because I was hard-headed and choose not to listen to the advice people gave me when I was in my early twenties.

Understand that at one point I was making very good money but choose not to save it as I should have. Now,Dionne Farris's "Hopeless" plays in the background and two particular verses blares in mind:

"Hello Yesterday, I sure need you now
Goodbye Yesterday, I just can't stay around
You see I cried just a little too long
And now it's time for me to be strong

Hello Yesterday, Remember how it used to be?
Goodbye Yesterday yea, I can't take you with me - no, no, no, I can't
You see I stayed just a little too long
And now it's time for me to move on"

Those are the words of a person that regrets their past decisions but has learned from them. They have made the choice to move on from their mistakes and be strong and take what they learned and apply those lessons to future choices. I can't say that I regret the amazing 11yrs I spent in SF or even the 2months wasted on a guy, that I thought was worth more than he turned out to be. I don't regret them at all, do I wish I hadn't been so hard-headed earlier on and listened to the advice I got from others?Yes. And of course I wish I had gone with my first instincts about this guy, at least I would have had another whole month I could have spent in San Francisco.

In the end, as I sit here writing this post, I think about the kind of person I used to be and the person I am now and I couldn't ask,nor would I want to be, anyone else than the person I am right now at this very moment. I wouldn't want to have been anywhere else than the places I've been. I can't take back the mistakes I made due to my hard-headness....lol. But what I can do is live up to the woman I am today and admit my past mistakes and fix what I can, to make sure my future isn't full of those same mistakes. And I am doing that right now. I hate being back home,in living in my parents home,not because I don't love them,but because I feel as though I've been stripped of my independence, something I worked hard to establish for 11yrs. But what I love even more than I hate having to coming home, is that I was able to put my pride aside and take the steps I needed to create a better life for myself. The reason I love that more than anything, is because It tells me that I'm finally comfortable enough in the woman that I am to understand that sometimes you have to step back to move forward and I have complete faith in myself and in God's Plan for me that I WILL BE JUST FINE!! As I conclude this post, Fantasia's "Even Angels" plays in the background,":

"First step
take a deep breath
you don't need a reason why
you can
you can
take take time
you can
you can
walk, run, dive
Close call
think you might fall
but all you gotta do is try
even angels
even angels
learn to fly "

Thanks Love,come again!
Sincerely,
THAT BLACK GIRL