Learning to Fly Again

At this very moment I'm sitting at the kitchen table, in my mother's kitchen,listening to "The Rain Doesn't Last Forever" by Hope,thinking to myself,oh good God what have I gotten myself into. When I made the decision to move back home, there were so many factors involved,one being a guy and that was my mistake, and something I will learn from. In all honestly, I knew months ago that inevitably I'd be right back here at least for six months. I could have stayed in San Francisco and kept my busy social calendar and continued to network and make connections but what good would it have been, if I could never get myself out debt? I could have continued to ignore the bill collectors but where would that have gotten me,but deeper inthe hole I dug for myself,trying to keep up with "the Karshadians". I stayed in SF because my pride wouldn't let me come home and admit that I had messed up,because I was hard-headed and choose not to listen to the advice people gave me when I was in my early twenties.

Understand that at one point I was making very good money but choose not to save it as I should have. Now,Dionne Farris's "Hopeless" plays in the background and two particular verses blares in mind:

"Hello Yesterday, I sure need you now
Goodbye Yesterday, I just can't stay around
You see I cried just a little too long
And now it's time for me to be strong

Hello Yesterday, Remember how it used to be?
Goodbye Yesterday yea, I can't take you with me - no, no, no, I can't
You see I stayed just a little too long
And now it's time for me to move on"

Those are the words of a person that regrets their past decisions but has learned from them. They have made the choice to move on from their mistakes and be strong and take what they learned and apply those lessons to future choices. I can't say that I regret the amazing 11yrs I spent in SF or even the 2months wasted on a guy, that I thought was worth more than he turned out to be. I don't regret them at all, do I wish I hadn't been so hard-headed earlier on and listened to the advice I got from others?Yes. And of course I wish I had gone with my first instincts about this guy, at least I would have had another whole month I could have spent in San Francisco.

In the end, as I sit here writing this post, I think about the kind of person I used to be and the person I am now and I couldn't ask,nor would I want to be, anyone else than the person I am right now at this very moment. I wouldn't want to have been anywhere else than the places I've been. I can't take back the mistakes I made due to my hard-headness....lol. But what I can do is live up to the woman I am today and admit my past mistakes and fix what I can, to make sure my future isn't full of those same mistakes. And I am doing that right now. I hate being back home,in living in my parents home,not because I don't love them,but because I feel as though I've been stripped of my independence, something I worked hard to establish for 11yrs. But what I love even more than I hate having to coming home, is that I was able to put my pride aside and take the steps I needed to create a better life for myself. The reason I love that more than anything, is because It tells me that I'm finally comfortable enough in the woman that I am to understand that sometimes you have to step back to move forward and I have complete faith in myself and in God's Plan for me that I WILL BE JUST FINE!! As I conclude this post, Fantasia's "Even Angels" plays in the background,":

"First step
take a deep breath
you don't need a reason why
you can
you can
take take time
you can
you can
walk, run, dive
Close call
think you might fall
but all you gotta do is try
even angels
even angels
learn to fly "

Thanks Love,come again!
Sincerely,
THAT BLACK GIRL

Let Frogs be Frogs and Princes be A**holes!! And Go Out and find yourself!!

"Instead of making a list for an ideal man, make a list of what you feel
the ideal woman should be and make sure you fit the profile before
critiquing someone else. Never... require what you can’t give in return."-Clutch Magazine Online. I know its been awhile since I've written but this quote really struck a cord with me. Most of us,women, have grown up with the Disney movies and the "Chick Flicks" that tell us that our prince charming is out there and that we may need to kiss a few frogs or possibly find a frog and he'll turn into a prince after a few of our kisses. OH COME ON!!! GET WITH IT!! Ladies maybe the guy is ok with just being a frog and he doesn't want some,self proclaimed(by herself and her daddy) Princess try to turn him into her Prince. Not only that but its quite a daunting task for a princess,I'm just saying. And it would seem to me that hoping to turn a frog into a prince is quite similar to settling, and haven't they always told us NOT TO SETTLE?!!

Now lets talk about these so-called "Princes". First of all, if you go out looking for a Prince believe me you won't find him!! Yes gurl I know!! I've found these so-called "princes" and yeah brothas were fine!!! They were smart, had the finances, the job, the degrees, they got it all. One problem, these men know they got all that!! They also know that us women are looking for that Prince Charming so don't get it twisted,if you think you are getting played by this "Prince" umm...girl...YOU ARE!! And lets keep it 100, these so-called "Princes" they aren't going to regret it when you are gone. You know why because, they know there is another "you",by that I mean self-proclaimed princess looking for her prince, out there.

I'm not giving anyone relationship advice because I'm the last one to give that, I'm awful at committed relationships,hell I'm kind of bad at uncommitted relationships. But I'm bad at those by choice. But over the years the relationship that has approved the most is the one I have with myself. And as that relationship approved I noticed the other relationships approved as well.I was fortunate enough to meet a very nice young man a few years ago,but unfortunately the relationship I had with myself wasn't very good so I only saw him in terms of "Prince or Frog". He is no Frog nor is he a Prince,but he is just fine being exactly who he is, a nice young man.

I suggest we all let go(or at least try) of this idea of the Prince and The Frog. Despite what pop culture and Disney would like us to think, frogs are AMPHIBIANS and if you kiss them you risk getting a pretty nasty rash and princes either wear ALOT OF PURPLE or exist in countries that are NOT AMERICA!!

Honestly not Honest in an Ideal World

So Honestly I can say that I only want to be with sexy chocolate men, But to be honest,it's impossible!!! Ideally yes, I'd like to marry a beautiful chocolate man,but life is far from ideal,which is why life is so much fun!!! Honestly I love everything about black men,their swagger,voice,skin,lips,everything. But to be honest I really do love all men, hints why I've dated just about every race, I mean why not? It's fun,I have fun and learn more about this non-ideal world. I once dated this guy,gorgeous,Viking type tall,redish brown hair,rode a motorcycle,so hot!! We dated for about 3 months,however he had liked me for a two years. Before we started dated,he said to me "you are still searching." I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't really know what he wasn't talking about until maybe a month ago. You see I've been in this "only dating black men" phase. Now anyone who knows me,knows that, for me to do that would be damn near impossible. The more I think about it,the more I realize how closed-minded I've been and become. I love black people, I love being black, I honestly do and to be honest, think black is the most beautiful color skin on the face of this earth,but I also think that LOVE is the best feeling on the face of this earth.

Lets be real, life is way too short to have all these restrictions. Honestly I've found that my life was much more fun and exciting when I had less restrictions. But to be honest, I got myself into quite a few pickles with less restrictions. What i've learned recently though, is this, I can be controlled without having restrictions, as long as I understand that really ultimately I'm not in control. Honestly to be honest, I rather not be in so much control of my life,because that takes too much fun out of it. This particular posting was sparked by a very handsome viking type guy I met the other night and hopefully will meet again.

I know that I'm always complaining about not being able to find a beautiful chocolate man in the city of San Francisco. Though it's true a beautiful chocolate man is hard to come by in the city of San Francisco,but it by no means, means that a good guy is hard to come by in the city of San Francisco.


So though, ideally, I'd like to marry a nicely built chocolate man and have beautiful chocolate babies. I've come to the conclusion nothing in life is ideal.Because no one person is the exact idea of what they'd like to be in this life. And Lets face it folks,there is nothing "ideal" about this nubian in the city.

Thanks Dears and Do come again
That Black Girl!

To All the guys before ME!!!

Dear Guys Chocolate and Non-Chocolate,

I'd like to thank you all for the fun times and the crappy times. Some of you were FANTASTIC kissers some of you, just AWFUL!!! A lot of you were really smart but a select few of you were extremely special ed!! 70% of you dated me for some materialistic reason but thats ok because 80% of you I dated for the same.Many of you have girlfriends,but some of you do not(please refer to last sentence). Not all of you were funny,but a couple of you were hilarious. I don't keep in touch with most of you but,some of you I'm lucky to still have around. A few of you got very lucky and the rest I'm sorry you just didn't have the golden ticket. One of you may have been gay or borderline,but that's alright you were one of my favorites. Now two of you, ok three of you, I would probably still do just about anything for,even though two of you didn't get lucky,it by no means meant you didn't have the golden ticket. Those three of you taught me how to love for the good and the bad,through the hair weaves and perms. Two of you loved me, even with the 5 extra pounds and non-predicured toes. One of the three of you was learning to love along with me and that is probably why you will always be the one I tend to take back,time in and time out. But regardless the three of you will never be replaced!!

Most of you were very fit and only one of you couldn't fit through my door(not in the literal sense). A few of you were religious but most of you were spiritual. One of you I loved to fight with because I rarely won,and I loved challenges, but hated because sometimes I think you just let me win just so I would shut up!! A handful of you, actually got close to knowing who I was,but I've never been the one to be all that I appear to be. I say one thing, and a few of you figured it out, I mean something else entirely. Some of you understood my love for politics, and some of you didn't care much for those politics or my thoughts on them.

All of you were cute, in your own special way. All of you will never be forgotten even if I forgot your last name. All of you were lucky to have met me when you did. All of you got a different nubian,because I was never the same girl with each one of you. But luckily because of all you, I was able to find ME,not necessarily in each of you but each of you brought out something different in Me,so like I said at the beginning, I'd like to thank ALL THE GUYS BEFORE ME!!

Sincerely,
"That Black Girl"

Is the black woman's hair the reason, we are amongst the most overweight in America? Hmmm...

Today I got my haircut, or this morning and I was looking fly,like real fly,if you all scooped my facebook page you know the deal!! Moving on haircut is bad,looking like fly and the reason I'm looking fly is because the cut goes with my face very cute.

So now the type of haircut I got looks cute on me because I have a certain shape face,now(this my opinion only) if I had a rounder face I don't think it would look as fly as it does. My face is pretty slim and its that way because I work-out(kickboxing class) six days a week, yes its that serious you all,I have to work at being fly!! Now all my nubians know this,water and our hair does not mix and when I do my kickboxing class I sweat, ALOT!!! You all know where I'm going with this one right?

We all know the epidemic of black women being overweight. Well I see how it happened!! Our HAIR!!! I went to the gym today after much debate on whether I wanted to sweat my hair do out. I didn't go to the gym all last week because I didn't want to sweat my perm out before I got my cut,you know how it is. I wanted to make sure the cut was going to be cute so I didn't want to sweat the perm out, everybody knows that short cuts look better with freshly permed hair. So I clearly wasn't trying to ruin it especially if I was about to spend 90 plus dollars on my head!! Uh no maam!!! Anyhow I decided I'd go to kickboxing class,I'd missed it for a week and my thighs were feeling it(not too mention showing it) so I had to go.

I get to the gym and of course there is a crowd of people waiting for Instructor Jack(the gay maybe not gay instructor,I think may have a slight crush on me due to him asking me out for drinks). I spot my kickboxing friend Katie and she informs me I didn't miss much last week since we had a sub, and the subs normally are really bad!!! I proceed upstairs to put my stuff away in the locker and I spot this fine chocolate brother,that I see often at the gym, we always exchange glances but never speak,much to my dismay,may I add. As I'm walking he is putting down the weights he is lifting,oh good Lord the chocolate man is beautiful,no wonder I have such a sweet tooth!!! He gets up to walk to a machine,that happens to be near me, he looks at me as he is walking and we exchange our normally scheduled glance,but then he smiles and says "Nice cut,it looks good on you." Umm...did he just speak to me,to tell me my cut was fly?!!! Oh yes he did!! And here I am about to go ruin it to be fit!!

I get to the class and I'm ready for some kickboxing, I love that class and I really do miss it when I don't go. I tie my hair up as the hair stylist told me to do,you know to keep the cut fly. We are about 15mins into the work out and I feel it, the water dripping down my neck and I think to myself its ok, its just water. Ssh!!! Water, is about to ruin the haircut I just got and paid a pretty penny to get,may I add. Its now 30mins into the work out and I feel my hair its soaked and then I decided it was too much!! I couldn't risk anymore water damage,so much to my dismay,I left my class feeling defeated!! My hair had trumpeted my health. As I walk out of the class and down the small set of stairs and up to the locker room, fine chocolate brother whom I exchange my normally scheduled glances with,is walking down the stairs. He looks at me,smiles,shakes his head,laughs and then says to me " couldn't risk the hair huh? Its alright cutie, its still looking fly." Now I'm sure you all are wondering what my responses have been to this fine chocolate man,the two times he has spoken to me,well there haven't been any!!! You know why because each time,he says what he has to say and keeps walking,not giving me a chance to recompose myself after having to hear his sexy voice and stare at those beautifully muscular chocolate arms(my weakness).

I leave the gym upset,defeated and bewildered all at the same time.Upset because I left my kickboxing class that I love so much. Defeated,because I knew this was only the start of a long battle that I don't know I can win. Bewildered,because for the life of me I can't figure out why I can never find the words to say to this chocolate man,I mean he is fine,but not that fine,ok maybe he is that fine. I choose to walk home instead of muni it because I didn't finish my workout I figure walking can somewhat make up for it. On my walk home I call my dad and tell him my newly discovered theory: The reason black women are amongst the most overweight because we don't want to mess up our hair!! My dad laughs and says "probably,but baby you have been working out so you don't have to work out as much as you do." Little does my father know that I love safeway chocolate cakes, Tony's Cable Car is around the corner from my house and Tony makes delicious fries and a quite tasty Chocolate and Pineapple milkshake,so yes Father I need to work out that much!

Nubians are we really letting our hair dictate our health? I mean if we aren't fit, the cut may look good,but we don't look fly!!! I just find it so hard that the moment we decide to not weave it, we realise the benefit of weaving it!! Now I know for myself I'm not trying to get my hair done once a month only to have it ruined by me trying to stay fit and fly,especially if I'm spending a pretty "fly" penny on it!! Now I don't have any suggestions, because if I did you all know I wouldn't be writing this blog as we speak. Listen,I'm by no means saying that black women's hair is the only reason we are amongst the most overweight people in America;however to answer the question,let me rephrase the question. Is the black woman's hair "part" of the reason we are amongst the most overweight in America?Mmmmmm.....I'm going to have to say Yes!

Thanks Dears and Please Come again!!
That Black Girl!!

Cree Summer-Fall

"Everything isn't timing, Everyone is always evolving"

I've just spent the entire day with my Mom,my grandmother and my stepdad's family it was great!! I love my mother!! However that has nothing to do with this blog entry,just wanted to say so if(when) my mother reads this she will know that I loved every moment of the craziness because I got to share it with her.

Now on with the blog entry. Someone made a comment on one of my blogs that everything is timing and he is correct. Now he is also someone I used to date that didn't go the way I would have wanted things to go but its alright everything happens for a reason and in its right time,right? Or could it have just been that my time with him was up? Listen I get everything is timing and faith but this comment came from the same guy that said if you want something you have to make it happen.So you understand my confusion when he says everything is timing.I'd like to make it clear that I'm not upset that he commented on my blog,because I asked him to, and I'm really glad that he is a cool enough guy to do so upon request. As I pondered his comment I started to think about timing, in relationships and how the contexts of "timing" differs between male and females.

When guys say "Timing" they are basically saying they aren't ready for a relationship or they just aren't ready for a relationship with you. Now I'm not a man,but from what I get from my chocolate and non-chocolate male friends that's what it means. I've known guys that have told women the "timing" just wasn't right and a week later they fall head over heels for some girl, and a year later they are married to the girl they met right after "the not the right timing" girl. I mean lets just keep it 100 you didn't like her that much or enough to want to be ready.

Now for women timing is the same but regarded different. We look at timing and think, I'm not totally happy with myself or I just don't know if I can commit at the moment,or we think he just isn't the right one for me so why waste my time on him. This is where men and women's maturity levels differ,women are able to vocalise they aren't ready men just aren't!!!

As I'm writing this blog,I'm thinking about timing,and how it really does have a lot to do with everything,both spiritually and physically.It brings me to particular guy I met,whom was an amazing chocolate brother,intelligent,social and just a good brother all around. We met on the muni the year I graduated from college. We didn't exchange numbers because I of course being the semi-sadiddy nubian that I am,I wasn't going to give my number to someone on the bus(I was on the bus as well,so really what made me think I was any better them him,God only knows). However I told him my name and that I was on facebook,so the next day I had a facebook friend request from this chocolate man,a week or so later we exchanged numbers and we ended up meeting up probably a month or two later,it turned out he lived down the street from me. We met up at this coffee shop,he had in his hand a small cup of hazelnut hot chocolate and a bag of stale doughnut holes!!! We walked and talked but for the life of me I just could not get into the brother and I think he understood that,so that night was the last time I saw him or really spoke to him for awhile. I'd say three months later we started talking more frequently on facebook and then I moved.

Its now 8months-a year later from when we had first met up with the hot chocolate and stale doughnuts, we met again in Oakland. This time our meeting was the complete opposite, I was fascinated by everything he was saying the conversation was electric and I was like a sponge just soaking up everything he had to say and I definitely wanted to see him again.

Why was it so different? Well the fine chocolate brother that was once mine,that commented on my blog post was correct in saying everything is timing.However I feel like timing sounds so calculating and cold, we aren't science projects in a dish being timed,to see when we will change, we are human with spirits and minds. I was a different person when I first met hot chocolate and stale doughnut chocolate brother,I had different ideas,my heart was in a different place. My mind was transitioning into where it is now, my soul was in the process of soaring high to the heavenly skies,there was no way that I could see pass what was happening to me,to focus on someone else.

People evolve and thats what makes us beautifully human,you can like something and love it later,love something and like it later, it all depends on how are you evolving. So "Everything isn't timing, Everyone is always evolving"!

Thanks Dears and do come again!!
"That black girl"